The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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