3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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