my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
