I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
me + whiskey = a bad person
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
