your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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