i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
