Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize