I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Can I color on your dick again?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
