Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
