I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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