You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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