i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
