saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
