I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
