I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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