non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
