i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
