bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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