I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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