She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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