So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
