I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
