we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
