how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
