im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
