I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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