My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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