I CAN MOONWALK!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
