im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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