The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
