if i can run in heels then i can drive
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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