you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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