I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
