I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
