I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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