Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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