matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
