I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my being single is dangerous.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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