textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
