she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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