Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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