I want to make a zoo with you.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
