I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
