So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
