Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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