You made me cry and you don't even care
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
