I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
