i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
