singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize