my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
