I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
