I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
