before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Houston, we have a squirter
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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