bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
